We have a new bloke in the New Zealand office, Robert MacDonald. He comes all the way from nearly-tropical Glasgow, Scotland. To introduce Robert to the rest of the team and expose him to a bit of kiwiness, I put a simple Kiwiness Exam to him. It is very scientific, there are 10 questions, each question worth 10 marks, to give a total kiwiness percentage.

SECTION 1: SMALL TALK.
A. How’s it going?

brilliant! (6/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Sweet as.

B. Whatcha been up to?

getting married, emigrating, skiing (4/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Aw, ya know, nothin’ much

 

SECTION 2: HAVE YOU EVER…

A. Climbed Mt. Everest?

no, just K2…just joking but I have done the Gobi Challenge which a 140 mile trek through the desert carrying all my own food and equipment! (8/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Na, I don’t need to, cos Sir Edmund already did.

B. Used the Metric System?

Robert: yes (8/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Yeah, heaps.

C. Spent Christmas day at the Beach?

no, just in the deep dark depressing depths of a Scottish winter (2/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Yeah, heaps.

D. Eaten any of the following?… Porkbones and pūhā? a Crunchie Bar? Green-lipped Mussels? Hāngi? Chocolate Fish? Rotten Corn? Pavlova? Fish and Chips? Huhu grubs? or a Hamburger with beetroot in it?

Robert: Yes and deep fried Mars Bars too! (8/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Yeah, heaps.

 

SECTION 3: DO YOU…

A. Know any Māori words?

Robert: Te (0/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Yeah, heaps.

B. Own a pair of gumboots? If yes…. If it weren’t for your gumboots, where would you be?

Robert: What are gumboots?? (0/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Yeah, If it weren’t for me gumboots, where would I be? I’d be in the hospital or infirmary.

C. Follow Rugby?

Robert: not really because Scotland are crap at all sports, except in 1984 when they won the grand slam!!! woohoo! (While not a very kiwi response, Robert is absolutely correct. 10/10)

MODEL KIWI ANSWER: Yell the name of your local team for as long and loud as possible. eg. ‘CAAAAAAAANNNNNNTEEEERRRRBBBUUUURRRRYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

 

THE RESULT.

Robert is 46% kiwi as. That’s a C- pass, wellll done Robert. we’re chuffed to have you onboard.

David ‘Brian’ McLeod

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